I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
