but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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