Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
