Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
