I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
