Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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