I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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