Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
