I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
