I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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