There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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