high people should be assigned attendants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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