What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
