How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
