I look better un-naked...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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