So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
