im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
