I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
