Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you didnt know i had herpes?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
