sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
