i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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