dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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