I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
