So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
