you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
