Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
