I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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