remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
