Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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