oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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