Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
