On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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