I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
