I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
