there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
