Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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