I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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