So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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