I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
