I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
