wrigley field is MILF paradise
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
