where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
