i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
