I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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