K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like a drive thru vagina
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
