Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
