Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I fill condoms, not promises.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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