Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
