apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
