What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
