Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
