I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
barbara walters just said penis...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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